Game plan for attending conferences with a high risk of harassment

So let’s say you’re thinking about attending a conference in tech, or some STEM field.

Maybe you’ll be going alone. Maybe you’ve never been to a conference before, or this conference has a reputation for having, shall we say, “a higher risk of harassment”.

Here’s a ‘game plan’ for things to keep in mind. I’m not saying anyone should ever have to do this, I’m saying this is more or less what I did when I was younger and had to go to STEM meetings, usually alone, and didn’t always feel safe.

1. Study martial arts. Advertise this.

Don’t underestimate the value of seeming scary. Make yourself a difficult target.

2. If you don’t want to study martial arts, bring pepper spray.

I don’t know, I’ve never done this. It might make you feel safer.

3. Dress like a nun.

But seriously, show as little skin as possible. Don’t wear cute skirts or dresses. Don’t wear anything low-cut or tight-fitting. Wear something comfortable that lets you blend in. The last thing you want to do is attract attention. Maybe you want to look professional, and that’s fine. Wear a suit with a jacket, if that’s appropriate. Don’t wear heels (see below).

4. Avoid events with alcohol, and/or bring a buddy if you must attend. Avoid hot tubs.

You may be able to have a drink or two and still be in control of yourself, but not everyone can. Colleagues who might be perfectly respectful when sober can turn into absolute creeps when drunk. Don’t risk it. You don’t want to have to fight anyone off or turn them down, because guess what? They’ll hate you if that happens. Just skip it.

If you must attend, bring someone you can trust, who will make sure that if you drink too much or somebody spikes your drink, that you end up safe in your hotel room. Basically assume that anything bad that could happen at a bar, could happen.

Avoid hot tub scenarios because, if this isn’t obvious enough, it goes against step #3. Avoid showing skin.

5. Don’t let anyone near your hotel room.

I actually had someone ask to use my hotel room shower because he claimed the one in his room was broken. I said my room only had a tub. It was a lie. That’s ok because I knew he was lying - there were plenty of other people whose showers he could have asked to use.

With a little practice you can spot flimsy excuses a mile away. Don’t let them come in to see the view, or to see if the layout is different from their room, etc. Just say no.

6. Don’t let anyone buy you anything, unless they’re paying for the whole group.

If someone is buying sushi for you and a couple of other people, great. Someone did that for me once, and I’ll never forget it (although I may have forgotten who it was). Or if they’re buying a ski lesson for you and a couple of other people, great (I do remember who that was).

But if someone offers to buy you a drink, or dinner, and you’re alone? Be very careful. Is this someone you know well? How well do you really know them? Or even if you’re not alone, if they’re only offering to pay for you, no matter how strapped you are for cash, avoid any expectations of returned favors.

Don’t assume that just because someone is married, or otherwise partnered, they’re not going to try anything inappropriate. Don’t assume that just because they’re old enough to be your father, they’re not going to do or say anything that invades your space or your sense of decency. Set clear boundaries and don’t put yourself in risky situations.

7. Don’t meet anyone at their hotel room. Meet in the lobby.

This one comes from a mentor of mine, who was attacked by a mentor of hers, in his hotel room.

She went to meet him on the way to a conference session, or so she thought, and he answered the door in a towel, asked her to come in while he finished getting dressed in the bathroom, and came out of the bathroom sans towel… at least that’s vaguely how I remember the story (second hand). I had no reason to disbelieve her version of events. Anyway. Just don’t go anywhere near anybody’s hotel room but your own.

8. Learn how to shut down inappropriate questions. Be ok with being labeled a bitch.

If people ask about your orientation or who you’re dating or your living situation or whatever, just shut it down. You can always say you’re seeing someone, even if you’re not, but that won’t always work. It’s better to change the subject. If you can talk about work, that usually helps. Something like “Hey, have you ever used technique X that Y mentioned? I thought that was a really interesting talk.”

9. Always have an escape plan.

If you share a cab to an offsite event, have a ride app cued up to get you a ride back to your hotel at a moment’s notice. You may be in an unfamiliar city, hanging out with people you barely know, who may have been drinking. This is a recipe for disaster.

If you’re feeling adventurous and can’t resist to urge to go out, know your surroundings. Study the map. Always be clear about where you’re heading. Wear shoes you can run in, or kick in if necessary. And remember that muggers (and other kinds of attackers) choose their victims based on body language.

10. Try to have fun.

Even at the worst conferences, you can probably find a couple of people who are not jerks, and hang out with them. If you think you’re too shy, set yourself a target to meet 2 people each day. It’s not that hard to introduce yourself, once you get the hang of it, and at least at a conference there are always safe topics, like the location, the weather, and the subject of the meeting.